I'm not good with permanent things.
Things such as relationships, deciding where I'd like to live, what id like to do, and really any kind of commitment kind of scares the hell out of me. And to clarify, by "kind of" I mean totally and completely. I think when it comes down to it- I'm am a flight risk & I am all too aware of it.
We don't talk about the permanent effects of having a life full of impermanent things, but I think it's worthy of a conversation.
I grew up feeling like there was a lot of impermanence. I lived in exactly six houses before one started to finally feel like home, six different places that felt absolutely replaceable. I saw a lot of impermanent things; relationships, homes, jobs, love. I think somewhere along the line I started to believe the things I felt should last for a lifetime, were not made to last. I think somewhere along the line, I started to really believe that nothing is concrete, nothing is set in stone, and to be honest that is my fatal flaw.
I know that this is not something I am alone in. Too many of my friends share this fear. They fear that everyone who says "I love you" really means "I love you right now." The all to real fear or anything permanent. They walk into everything with a belief that the beauty will end. The love will fade.
I've missed out on a lot of good things because of the seemingly permanent effects of all the things in my life that ended up being very impermanent. I didn't live fully in moments because I knew the feeling would pass. I didn't just live in the moment I had found myself in. I didn't love people as intensely, and I didn't say all the things I felt were on my heart, because I worried they would later be used as ammunition in the battle that we were bound to find ourselves in eventually. Instead of valuing things while they were here, I ran from them completely.
My heart has been through a lot in my nineteen years. And while I acknowledge that someone out there has had it worse, it doesn't make my story any less meaningful. It doesn't make my hurt hurt any less than it otherwise would.
I'm working on allowing permanent things into my life. I'm working on fighting for the relationships that are built to last. I'm working on letting people all the way in, and letting down the drawbridge over the moat I built around my heart. I'm working on assuming that not every "I love you" has a "right now" hiding just below the surface.
I want to be the kind of person that people can depend on. I want to be the person who is there in the good times and bad, and the person who isn't always so scared of the "what ifs." I want to risk losing everything if it means getting to live to life boldly. Because frankly, flight risks miss a lot when they never slow down for a minute.
There are a lot of permanent effects of impermanent things, and I'm trying to make them a little less permanent.