I am not good at living in the moment.
In fact it is my very biggest flaw. My mind is constantly stressing about what might go wrong six months from now, or what went wrong a year ago. Both of these things are very much out of my control. I cannot change the hands of time and fix something that went wrong in the past, and there is certainly nothing I can do about what is yet to come. Still I sit and think about all the what ifs and the should haves.
It is actually sad to think about sometimes, how many opportunities I have wasted with the fear that something might go wrong. How many times I have passed a chance by because my mind told me that there were a million and one improbable things that could go wrong.
More times than not though, when I can shut up the little voice in my head that usually whispers little lies about my capabilities, amazing things have happened. I have gone cliff jumping in beautiful places, I have gotten to connect with people who started as strangers and ended up being my best friends, I have gotten to show love to people who hadn't been shown enough of it. In the moments where I can just be in the moment, and live fully in it, that is when I feel like the most honest version of myself.
A lot can go wrong in a second. A relationship can end, a life could end, a heart could break. On the other hand though, a lot can go right in a second. A relationship can form, a life could begin, a heart could mend. Too often than not, I find myself assuming the worst case scenario. I know this is not a battle that I am alone in.
At the end of the day though, the world is going to continue to move, and life is going to pass us. Ultimately, it is my say as to how my life pans out. I may not have control over what has happened in the past, and I may not be able to stop whatever the future has in store for me, but I get full say as to how my attitude towards all of these events are. I get to decide if I let the events of the past make me a better person in my present. The only thing I can control is me. Nothing more, nothing less.
So in this moment, I am choosing to actively live a life that does not live in another moment, another lifetime, another version of myself. I choose this version of myself. This version of myself gets to decide how the future version of me lives, and to be truthful, I like where I am headed more than I did this time last year.
I cannot control every moment of my life the way that I would like to. However, there are some things I do get to control. I get to control the people who speak into my life and who walk with me on a day to day basis. I get to control the things that stay in my past and the things I will carry with me into the future. I do not have control over where I came from, but I get to decide where I am going and the path that I will follow.
All I get is the moment I am in, and I am starting to believe that might be enough.