When you're nineteen, sometimes you feel like you own the world, sometimes though, it feels like the world owns you.
When I walked in to high school for the first time, which would've been about five years ago, I was very sure of myself, at least about the places I was going. I was sure I was going to go to journalism school, there was not a single doubt in my mind. I figured that by twenty two I'd be figuring out where on Manhattan Island was best fit for me and my plethora of cats. I figured I'd have life much more figured out than I do now.
Growing up I always remember wondering how people older than me got as far as they did, paying bills, having grown up jobs, maintaining relationships. It seemed like rocket science to me. I realize now that for the most part, the adults I was in awe of growing up, they were probably just winging it. I know I certainly am.
I think a lot of people in the world want to be important. They want to be highly noted, widely recognized, in short, famous and powerful. The Donald Trumps and the Kanye Wests of the world. I have no interest in taking over the world, it would be too much for me. Plus, if I ruled the world I would probably just have a mansion full of cats with a swimming pool out back filled to the brim with iced coffee, possibly with a family of mermaids that lived in it. Thats beside the point, in the words of my favorite musician, "I don't want to take over the world, just want to know where I belong within it." I don't want power, I just want purpose. Somehow I don't think I am asking for too much.
While I may not know where I belong, I know a lot of places I have no business in being. I don't want to find myself in a life filled with meaningless motions and empty words. I do not belong in loveless relationships or in moments filled with regret. I am not sure where I belong, but knowing all the places I don't belong is a good start.
I'm learning though that there is a lot of beauty in not knowing where you're going even if it seems scary. You stumble down so many different paths, and meet people you would've never met otherwise. You find out all the things you're good at, and all the things you are mediocre at. When you feel lost, you become well endowed with a great sense of humor, because life would be intolerable without it. We are human, and we are designed to adapt to all the chaos that we find ourselves swimming in.
At nineteen, I figured the world would be in the palm of my hand. But maybe it's better that it's not. Maybe feeling lost just means I haven't stumbled onto the thing that I was meant to find, that I was created for. There are so many adventures just waiting to be had, and maybe sometimes you just have to be patient.
I have begun to accept that sometimes stumbling through life is okay, when you're stumbling you're still moving, and you are progressing towards something, even if you don't know what it is yet. So maybe I am not writing for The New York Times, or living in the city that never sleeps. More often than not, we get to where we were meant to be even if it wasn't where we were planning on going.
I don't know yet where I'll end up. Somehow I don't think I was ever meant to settle in one stagnant place. Wherever it is that my wandering takes me, I hope it is worth the wait. Something tells me it is.