I think my first love affair was with the characters I met in books. I fell in love with Augustus Waters, Ezra Faulkner, Miles "Pudge" Halter, Quentin Jacobson, Peeta Mellark, and of course Adam Wilde. I loved these characters because they were real. They were alive. They were wonderfully and fatally flawed. In short, they were human, but they did things and knew people who were worth writing about. At the bottom of it all though, I think it was the girls who these characters pined after who I wanted to be like; Hazel Grace, Cassidy Thorpe, Alaska Young, Margo Roth Speigleman, Katniss Everdeen, and Mia Hall. I wanted to be the type of person someone could write a book about, more than that, I wanted to be the type of person who stayed with someone long after they were gone. The type of person who demanded to be remembered.
More times than once in life I have tried to be someone I am not. I do not think I am alone in that endeavor. I think somewhere down the line I realized that I am not the super popular cheerleader who is secretly into weird indie music and guys in grunge bands. I am not the girl who mysteriously disappears into thin air and sends people on a cross country road trip following the bread crumbs I left behind. I am not the fascinating new girl in school who captivates everyone with stories of my epic adventures. I also did not save a future world from a civil war and defeat the Capitol, but that one was probably obvious. I have come to the conclusion that I am not some authors muse in a book, I am not a character someone designed to grab the attention of every teen reader in every corner of the world. I am just a girl.
I tried to be the person someone would spend their life trying to put into words. The thing is though, I don't think I care if I make some lasting impression on everyone I encounter, I think I care a lot more about the people who find me memorable. I care more about the people I leave my impression on. I think what says more about me is the type of people who spend their time trying to figure me out. The people who inquire on my backstory, the people who call me at two am because they need someone to understand. The people who describe me in my truest form. The people I would trust most to write a story about my life, because they are the ones who understand the parts of me worth writing about best. I have started to care far more about who the other characters in my story are far more than about how I am written.
I have had times in my life where the characters in my story would've been described as vindictive, sly, lonely, heartbreaker, nice to look at. Time changes things though and as time changes and people change and life moves on I have found the people I see in my story as compassionate, funny, warm-hearted, unforgettable, magical, the type of people I could write a story about because they are living for something bigger than themselves. The writer in me cares less about if someone could write a story about me, I care more that the people in my life want to live a story with me. I think I am fortunate that the people in my life are willing to be pieces of the puzzle that make me into the story I am.
I am always going to be a writer. It is who I am, and it is everything that I do. It's in the way I talk to people and the way I perceive what people communicate to me. However, I am done trying to be the girl that someone wants to write stories about, because frankly, I don't care if I fascinate and excite anyone if I go to bed not feeling like I lived the day as the person I was made to be. I care more about living the type of life I can write about. Experiencing moments in a way that brings me joy that lives inside of the words I write later.
The writer in me no longer cares if I am someone worth writing a story about, because I have the gift and pleasure of writing the story myself. So do you.