Less Like Ninety

For most of my life, in almost all of my relationships, I am seen as the little adult, the "mom" of all of my friends. This most likely has to do with my love for sewing, hot tea, cats, Frank Sinatra and my plethora of old lady sweaters I have collected from thrift stores over the years. Somewhere along the line though, I started living like life was set for me. I started living like I was ninety years old, locked into my life choices and that I had to follow the path I had put myself on until the very end of my days. The fact of the matter is though, I am nineteen. I am at the start of the good part, the adventure part of my life, and I need to start living like it.

 The people who know me best, know me to be indecisive. Or worse, impulsive and indecisive. I make hard and fast choices, and then regret not thinking more about where I’m headed. I have trouble committing to my decisions because I often feel trapped within them. I feel like once I do something, regardless of what it is, it's set in stone. I have made so many choices in the past year that I cried myself to sleep over because I found myself unhappy in them. I found my heart to not be full at the end of the day, and my heart's level of joy is something I am not willing to sacrifice. Especially for something as silly as seeming like I have my life together.

 I am not even twenty yet. I have yet to fall in love. I have yet to see the parts of the world I have been dreaming about since I was a kid; Paris, Greece, India, everywhere, anywhere. I have never caught a bouquet at a wedding. I have never seen any of my best friends get married. I have yet to see a single Star Wars movie. I have so much left to do, and so much to still experience, and somewhere down the line I fed a lie to myself that I am supposed to have it all figured out when I haven't even experienced the best of what life has to offer.

 However, it has recently begun to occur to me that there is no right way to do things. Sure, there are things I should do that are obvious; I should be a kind person, I should pay my bills on time, I should tip waiters well. Beyond that though, there isn’t any roadmap to the places I was meant to go, or if there is it has lots of detours and u-turns because life was meant to be an adventure. I don’t want to take the fastest way to success. I want to take the way that exposes me to the best and greatest parts of life. I want to take detours, I want to see the people I love fall in love. I want to see every wonder of the world, and I am convinced there are way more than seven. I want to find my best friend and fall in love. I want to make the most of the time I am given, because I have no clue how long that is.

 At nineteen, I am not locked into every decision I make. I am not locked into my future because life changes all the time. Not every decision I make is a full time commitment. Not every choice I make is going to be the right one, and I am starting to realize that is okay. I have realized it is not okay to make no decisions at all in fear of making the wrong one. I have issues with commitment, and I am a work in progress. However, there are some things I have no problem committing to. I am committed to the people I love; my friends, my family, my friends who have become my family. I am committed to my passions, this mostly includes writing, and the way it makes me feel when I can finally make the thoughts that float through my head into cohesive sentences. I am committed to the person I hope to become, and the work it will take to become that person; someone who writes about things that matter, and tells the stories of people who need to be heard, someone who does not follow any roadmap, but makes her own.

I am probably always going to be nineteen going on ninety. I am always going to love my cats and sewing and movies that make me feel like Audrey Hepburn is still alive and well and in her prime. I am definitely always going to rock old lady sweaters. I just have started to feel less like I am locked into my choices, and less like commitment to anything means I am in it for life. Maybe committing to something doesn't always have to be so scary and so life or death, but rather something to take one day at a time, because that’s all life really is after all.