I am really glad you are here. I am not looking for resolutions; mostly because every new year's resolution I have ever set for myself tends to be left behind about the second week of January.
I am not looking for 2018 to bring me anything besides a wonderful and beautiful clean slate. I know enough by now that “new year, new me” tends to be nothing more than a nice caption on Instagram on New Year's Eve.
2017 was a strange year. I don’t know how else to describe it beyond that. I am proud of some of the things I have seen in the world, while others have left me sick to my stomach. I have experienced some moments of heartbrokenness, as well as moments of pure joy. Just like everyone, I had variations of highs and lows all year.
As some people may know, I spent a semester in Indiana only to discover how much I was not made for small-town life. While I didn’t make any new year resolutions, I did promise myself some things in coming back to Columbus. Changes I would like to see occur in my life, and the ways in which I might go about changing them. I thought I would take a few moments out of my New Years Eve to share what that looks like for me, if for no other reason than having the audience of this post (namely those who know me best) to hold me accountable.
I want to take this whole blog thing more seriously.
I would first like to say that if you are someone who has in any way interacted with my writing, you are incredible. I have been posting to this blog for nearly two years now and being able to have an outlet to share my thoughts has been therapeutic for me in ways I cannot fully put into words. It has changed my life and given me a confidence I never thought would ever be possible.
With that being said, I want to expand this blog. To write not only about the more personal elements of my life, but also the things that I want to make a career out of; namely things I spend my time invested in.
I am hoping in the coming year to post about the things that matter more than anything to me; style and fashion and the impact it has made on my life and the confidence I have found in the world of fashion, art, and cinema.
I hope to write about people who inspire me. People who I admire and who have changed my life. I had a professor tell me at school that I “seemed like I was raised by a lot of strong women” and ever since she said that to me, I cannot help but become overwhelmingly aware of the way strong women have impacted and shaped who I am. I want to write about them and share the stories because the stories of those people have helped me craft my own wonderful story.
I want to write about the music that fills me, and the way that books and movies have helped me think so far outside the box that the box is no longer in my range of vision.
Overall, I want to write not only about me but about the things I value and the things that have helped me become who I am. I want my blog to be not just something I do when I have time, I want it to be something I make time for.
I want to talk more about my walk with God and improve what that relationship looks like.
I have spent a large majority of my life in churches. Growing up as a pastor's kid can sometimes be a little overwhelming though. It often felt like I had a lot of eyes on me and I felt insecure about my relationship with God. I didn’t read my Bible enough, I didn’t pray enough, I wasn’t a “good enough” Christian. While I don’t think I ever fully walked away from God, I walked away from church for a while. I personally think I needed time to establish where I was with God and heal from some of the negative experiences I had in church. In that time, God has started to work on my heart and heal some of the hardness that I felt towards being in a church. This year, I want to allow God to soften my heart and to follow the plans that he has for me. I want to thrive in a community of people who will walk with me in the plans that God has for me. I want to trust that His plans are so much greater than any plan I ever could have had in mind for my future.
I want to make peace with my body.
Me and my body have been at war for a while now. Growing up, I was always on the smaller side, and over the past two years, I had started to put on weight. I started to gain weight around the same time I began taking medication to help combat my anxiety.It started to feel like a battle; my brain started to feel “normal” while my body felt so far from what it ever had before. It has felt like this ever since.
I refuse to set a weight loss goal for myself. I think doing so would be a mistake as weight fluctuates and it can be unpredictable especially when on some kind of medication. However, I can pledge to stop talking about my body like it's the enemy. I want to make an effort to take care of myself of course; I want to stop fueling my body mainly on caffeine and I want to find an outlet that works to hone my energy into, but I want more than anything to become friends with my body again. I want to look in the mirror and button my pants without having a harsh thought greet me.
I want to allow myself to ask for what I need.
When I was living in Indiana, I became a version of myself I really did not recognize. I forgot how to ask for the things that I needed, and I felt myself begin to settle for a life that I was unhappy in. I had a wonderful group of friends, a group of strong women who loved me very well. However, I reverted back to an old habit of mine which I had forgotten I ever had to begin with. I have a problem sometimes in feeling like I am inconveniencing people when I ask for something that I need.
“I need some space for today, I feel like I need a day to just be introspective and have some quiet time.”
“I really need to talk to someone, I need them not to try to give me advice, I just need someone to listen.”
“I need you to pray for me, I am struggling.”
“Something you said/did is bothering me and I need to tell you because I cannot shake it off.”
I think there is a lot of pressure to hold back how we feel. It doesn’t matter how you’re doing if someone says “how's it going” you say “good.” It is practiced behavior that I need to work on. I need to allow myself to ask for what I need. To stop taking on things that might be too much for me. I need to allow myself to be human and not apologize so much for it when I am.
These are not resolutions. Maybe they are and I am too turned off by the idea to call them that. Regardless, I have some ideas of what I hope 2018 will look like.
I hope 2018 has lots of kindness in store. I hope it has joy and laughter and adventures. I hope it has new faces and old faces and people who I get the opportunity to love well. I hope it has peace and stillness in moments of chaos. I hope it brings purpose and a sense of direction more than anything else.
Whatever you choose to call your new life goals, I hope that you meet them and receive them with open arms.