A Specific Form of Lonely

It's a strange thing, having a broken heart.

It's not like having a cold or a broken leg, you can't go to the doctor and have it fixed or stitched up. More often than not, no one would know at first glance. It's broken and ultimately it's up to you on how you choose to put it back together. 

I can't relate to drowning in alcohol in an attempt to find some reassurance at the bottom of a bottle. I can't relate to being horribly reckless in hopes that maybe a near death experience will put me back together. I tend to try to mend myself with music and sitting here on my bedroom floor doing this; putting my thoughts on paper and trying to make sense of them all. I tend to isolate because sometimes it all just seems too overwhelming. 

I think we're all a little afraid of being alone. Maybe that's just me, but somehow, I don't think it is. I think I became so scared that I was loving the "wrong" people, that some of the "right" people got shut out too. I have experienced what it feels like to be lonely simply by surrounding myself with the wrong people. It's strange, being surrounded by people and still feeling like your all alone on a desert island, just waiting for a friendly face in a boat to throw you a line. I have come to realize, sometimes knowing you're missing out on people is the worst kind of lonely. 

One of my favorite movies is Good Will Hunting. I think I fall in love with it a little more every time I watch it. There is a scene in the movie that gets me every time. A teacher says to Will, "most days I wish I never met you because I could sleep at night, and I wouldn't have to walk around with the knowledge that there was someone like you out there." If I had to decipher my type of loneliness right now, I think that would be it. It isn't a general loneliness that just any person could fill, it is specific. And maybe, that's something I'm not alone in. I have to walk around with the knowledge that someone like that exists, and I am not really a part of their life anymore. 

It's a bittersweet kind of feeling; it is reassuring knowing someone like that is out there, but it has a certain sting knowing that you don't take up too much of their thoughts. I think everyone has that person. The person you'd do just about anything for without question, but maybe something went wrong. Or they moved on. Or things didn't work out the way you hoped they would. 

If you are feeling this variety of lonely, you should know you're not feeling it alone. And while there are a hundred ways that makes you feel empty, I can promise there are a million ways to feel whole again. 

Find company in books and movies and strangers who smile at you. Plant a garden. Go to concerts and look around at all the people singing the same song as you with that same sense of joy on their face. Go for long drives with loud music and your hair blowing in the wind. Lay in the grass and feel the sun soaking into your skin. Sing in the shower. Be present. Find new things to fall in love with. 

There a hundred ways to feel lonely. There are millions of ways to feel alive.