I write a lot about things I’m struggling with. I think sometimes it’s because I’m better at being vulnerable on the internet (it doesn’t make sense, I know). Honestly, a lot of times the only time I’m ever inspired to write at all is when I’m struggling. Ask anyone who writes, broken-heartedness is quite a muse.
I have had my heart broken more than I care to admit in my life. This is likely due to the fact that I attach and bond with people so quickly and intensely that small letdowns turn into full blown heartbreak. The older I have gotten the more I am trying to learn that not everyone is going to love me the way I hope they will.
At this moment in time I’m having trouble dusting myself off and putting the pieces back together. I’m at a point where I want to just let the hurt take over. I am scared and hesitant to allow anyone new into my life.
I know to some degree this is normal. I know in another aspect this is cowardly.
Today, one of my very wonderful and wise friends told me that everyone has been hurt, but that continuing to be vulnerable with people is one of the best parts of being human.
I can’t say that tomorrow or even a month from now I’m going to wake up and suddenly feel different about the condition of my heart. However, I have an unwavering amount of hope and faith that God isn’t done working on my heart. Because I am the first to admit it still needs some serious TLC.
I think that’s the difference between other times I’ve experienced heartache and this time; I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is going to use the brokenness I feel in this moment for something so beautiful.
Even in the midst of my hurt, I know that the pain and ugliness the world has to offer to me will not hold me back from embracing vulnerability with arms wide open again. I’m not there yet. I still have a way to go. I’m still scrambling the pieces of my heart from where they are scattered, but this time, I’m handing them to God, and waiting for him to tell me what’s next.